As I wake up from a late night of ringing in the new year- it’s honestly with a heavy heart! I went through the motions of celebrating with a few friends- but my heart truly wasn’t in it. It took a bit for me to realize it last night- but where I was, wasn’t where I truly wanted to be. It was just a ‘better’ alternative to just sitting at home doing nothing.
I have a hard time accepting compliments- because I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve them. But my friend and her sister kept pouring on the words about how beautiful I was, how sweet my smile was, all the things that most would love to hear from their peers. But I instinctively go into my mode where I deflect every compliment with my version of the truth. I don’t see beautiful, or sweet, or any of those things. I see way too many pounds and curves and I see a smile that hides the pain I feel. They tell my husband how lucky he is, how blessed he is, how he better better appreciate all these things. The more they lay that on- the more awkward I felt because while he answers things the right way, I know how things really feel. All the respective couple are sitting with their honeys when the clock rang midnight, waiting to kiss one another and seem genuine in the shared emotions and feelings for one another. Yet we sat across the room from each other, and I truly feel it was for show, he came and gave me a light peck on the lips and told me Happy new year and hugged me.
He says that after beating his 2nd major heart attack this past July- he feels so grateful to have been granted more time with me and the rest of the family- but actions speak so much louder. We are ‘companions’…. sure. There’s a 30 year history there…. and I’m sure there is love there….. but there are all kinds of love.
But… that’s not where I meant to go with this post today!! 2020 was not a good year for me…. a lot of loss, and change, and realization that I ultimately feel like my whole life has been lived as a lie. I don’t think I’ve ever been true to myself- because I don’t know what that really looks like. I’ve lived a life to always please others, regardless of how I feel. I accepted and dealt with things because I feel that’s what others expected me to do. I looked back at the pictures of the younger me a few days ago, and really looked at the faces of the 7 months old, and then the 5 year old… and realized that the soul and spirit of that 5 year old had already been broken and the shell of a person had been created. So now, at 48…. I am left feeling like this is all I am ever destined to be. I know people start over all the time….. but instead of hurting others to finally take care of ME….. I still feel obligated to take care of, and please, others while pushing myself to the back burner.
Happy New Year!!