As I sat in my car on my lunch break, I picked up the pen and spiral notebook I had and began to write. The very first day, the words just flew from my mind, and by the time lunch was over, I had almost 10 pages before me. When I got home that night, I read back through it and was actually pleasantly surprised how good it was starting out.
Being a fan of romance novels, that was definitely my intended path here. For the next year, every day at lunch and evenings at home, I wrote! Even though it was a romance at heart, the main character started off battling these horrible nightmares at night. She couldn’t figure out what was fueling them, but they were getting worse, very quickly. Honestly, I wasn’t real sure where they had come from either. The encounters I wrote about were so vivid and detailed, that they felt very real to me.
Now, fast forward 10 years to today. The rough draft of that book still sits on the shelf collecting dust. I’m not real sure why I haven’t moved forward with it yet, other than just plain old fear. What if no one else liked it? I pick it every now and then and start reading through it. The intensity of the nightmares still intrigues me.
A demon creature was chasing her every time she slept. It was getting more and more vicious every time. The pain and harm she endured in the nightmare, began to become more apparent in her reality. The creature was always to silence her screams, slashing her with its razor sharp claws. It was trying to kill her. I never understood back when I was writing this, where all those dark thoughts and ideas were coming from.
But, as with so many other things in my life…it all became crystal clear earlier this year. For most of my life, I have theoretically been living in two different worlds. The world around me saw the side that wore her mask. I guarded my “protective walls” carefully. I didnt want others to see just how hopeless I was. I smiled as best I could every day, all the while I would break in to tears on the drive home from work. I was trying so hard to please everyone else, showing them what they wanted to see. I dared not expose anyone to the roller coaster that was my life mentally. I couldn’t face any judgments or criticism that I knew would come. Anything they would have said would have showed me just how much they didn’t understand what I was going through. So, amid the silence- I internally suffered alone.
Then a few years ago, the dam inside me holding back all my emotions broke. I felt so lost and helpless. I saw myself as a worthless burden to all those around me. They would be so much better off if I just died. They might be sad for a bit, but they would move on and no longer have to deal with me and my illness. I thought it all out, wanting it to be a horrible one car crash, that would leave me to suffer in pain before passing. Somehow, deep down in my core…I would find the ability to pull myself back from the edge. I stayed right on that line though. Then I turned to self harm as a way to hopefully release some of the pain.
The feel of the blade slicing through my skin, the trail of red that followed…but those moments were only fleeting. This left me turning to that more and more until I finally had a breakdown. I reached out for help in many directions. Counselors to talk to helped a lot. Add to that, a couple of years trying to find the right medication combination, has finally got me at a pretty stable place In life. Then it all clicked! That creature I had written about years ago…had finally come to fruition. He didn’t care where, or how many times he cut me, he wanted the world to see that he was winning.
Up til now, I have always been very cautious with sharing my story. I still have a bad day every now and then, and I don’t want anyone to think that the old me is coming back. I realize now, that part of my healing – is sharing my story. If I can reach just one person. when they need it most, then my struggle was worth it. If they can see that it is possible to get beyond that darkness, and have a chance at that inner peace, then my purpose has been fulfilled. I don’t care if they are the most famous person out there, living on the streets, or anywhere in between…demons are demons and they need to be dealt with. There are those out there who understand exactly what you are going through, and are willing to help you through it.
So stop running from them…reach out, take someone:s hand that understands, and let’find that path to healing!