There’s been a bit of frustration building within me lately. And I am not sure how to deal it, or what the right answer is.
Being adopted as an infant consequently allowed for a generation gap within my household. In other words, my parents were in the grandparents age bracket as I made my way through school. Now, that is merely a side note to enhance the fact that their way of thinking is a little more old school.
As Dad celebrated his 85th birthday this week, and mom is just a few years behind him at 82, trust me when I say I am very grateful that they are both still among us. But, this also leads to the frustration. My dad is a very proud & independent man…which is moving into the detriment category.
In November 2009, my mom got sick and ended up spending Thanksgiving in the hospital. I don’t honestly remember the diagnosis then, but it seemed to mark the beginning of a roller coaster. The forgetfulness started to become apparent. The dependency upon my dad growing more and more.
I have tried to interject myself as much as possible, but because of his independent nature Dad is not very receptive. If you ask dad about her diagnosis, he will simply say Dementia..for which he still believes there is a resolution. However, it is quite obvious that she is well into the stages of Alzheimer’s. And she is progressively getting worse
The tainted bitterness brewing within me stems from the fact that I have two older siblings, their biological sons. The biological fact has no bearing here, but I think the son part does. Females tends to instinctively be more sensitive, nurturing, and apt to see reality for what it is in this case.
My parents still live at home, by themselves. Do I think that’s the best alternative? No, not at all. But, dad insists on being mom’s sole caregiver. It is rapidly taking a toll on him. I have begun to mentally prepare myself that they may need more help. Due to my physical proximity, I will be the most likely to assume any of those responsibilities.
What I am really struggling with, is why is it on ME? Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and want what’s best for them. But there’s that little selfish sliver that whispers in my ear- why is it my burden to bear to be the only one here. I gave up living in my dream location, to come back when mom fell and broke her arm a couple of years ago. But the boys go right on living elsewhere. I am just having a hard time with understanding why it is ok for me to give up my livelihood, and some dreams even, while everyone else gets to live further away and essentially feel no responsibility for making sire that our parents are ok.
Now, adding to my responsibilities, is watching out for my father-in-law is steadily grieving himself to death. He suffered a mild stroke a few days ago, plus one of his sisters past away. He was lucky with regards to the stroke, as it seems to have only affected his speech some.
I am feeling very overwhelmed, but do still believe in the power of my dream!! I am here to motivate others and help them get through the difficult dilemmas in their lives. I have the strength to make it happen!!