She just wanted to rid her mind of all the memories. It took every experience to get her to this point, but some memories still haunted her. Those she’d loved, those she’d lost, and those that had hurt her beyond repair. But they just wouldn’t go away.
‘What will it take to ever be whole?’ the little girl’s voice inside her whispered. ‘I’m so scared…’
She carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, thinking she had to be the perfect everything to everyone around her. The perfect daughter, partner, mother, friend…. Yet she felt like such a failure at them all. Why did she allow herself to accept so much responsibility?
‘Where was I?’ that persistent little girl again, ‘What did I ever do that was so bad?’
She knew in her heart it was the little girls fault. It was just a product of her surroundings. But that was just becoming an excuse. She needed to find a way past all of it, but how? Her scars were from so far back….they had become so deeply engrained into her.
‘I want to have fun! I want to be happy, always laughing….why won’t you let me??’ the tiny voice was almost condescending.
How had the little voice gained so much strength? She knew she needed to change. She used to have a stronger sense of faith, a love of God. Not that she had shunned Him now…that wasn’t the case. It was more like she simply didn’t feel worthy to even try to step back to His fold. She did have a huge problem with the whole organized religion….all the different denominations….they all thought they were right, and that their beliefs and interpretations were the only acceptable way.
She knew she must focus….and find the strength and courage to live, just as the little girl inside her was getting stronger. Together, they would face all of the scars and smooth them out one by one.